Should I Stay in Academia?
By now everyone should have figured out that my writing bootcamp pounces on us every other week. I’ve internalized it and I’ve come to expect it. I knew last week she threw a very doable mentor mapping exercise so this week she was going to drop kick us in the neck.
This one was brilliant and evil in its simplicity. Most of our homework videos are around an hour. This one was about half of that to lull us into a false sense security. I didn’t fall for it and she didn’t disappoint. The topic “Do I REALLY Want to Do This?” Assignment: write about that for 15 minutes.
Chile . . . Why is she like this? It’s rude but called for, so I couldn’t really push back. I think it’s powerful to share my thought process behind why I’m in academia publicly. A lot of us have struggled with bad jobs and career questions. Below are my unedited answers. This was all free writing so forgive me in advance for the stream of consciousness nature of it.
1) How and why did I become a professor?
I became a professor because I love to learn. I would find myself in classes especially in college imagining how I would be running the class and how I would handle the discussion. Academia was an enchanting place. I felt like my learning could be limitless and I could have really great discussions and impact students’ lives.
I thought all of this would happen as an English literature professor. And then I chickened out. Academic jobs were too scarce and stories of PhD’s working at Starbucks too common for my immigrant ass to follow through. I had older parents who had done a wonderful job taking care of me, but there was no way I could think of them as insurance should my career path fall through. I’d done well enough on the English subject GREs, but I would go to law school instead.
In law school being a professor felt even more remote. That was for individuals with the very highest grades and the clerkship. I also didn’t want to spend a life worried about publishing. I knew I could write but it was terrifying. No way could my job depend on it.
And then a curious thing happened. I was ready to be challenged after three years at the IRS and I was open to ideas. A former prof encouraged me and that’s all it took. I didn’t have to jump all the way in. I could start with a fellowship. I would never be intellectually stunted, I could teach students, and I could go back to university environments I had been very comfortable in.
2) Do I really want to do this?
YES. I wanted to be somewhat careful about that. I’ve had some bad years and if I didn’t want to leave then, so I definitely do not want to leave now. I had a severance package offered to me. I could have looked elsewhere. I still wanted academia. I just wanted it in a healthy and non-toxic environment.
3) Why or why not?
Because it’s really fulfilling and I enjoy it on a day-to-day basis. At my worst at Louisville I never hated the job. During my worst writing struggles I still didn’t hate the job. The basics, teaching, writing, service, are still things that I very much get behind. I wanted to figure out my writing and figure out if there was something wrong with me but I still love my job.
I still just love learning. The very basic act of preparing for a class or reading a new paper brings me joy. I get to think at a very high level and not have to apologize for it. I get to be smart and not feel bad about it — it’s my job. It also allows me a ton of flexibility. My dog gets to be with me. I call a lot of my own shots and I get to have opinions. Now that I have a process I also have a feeling that I get to say important things and even if just a couple people hear them that’s still valuable.
I still value my colleagues. I still value my friends in academia. It’s a world I understand. It’s a world I do not have to feel uncomfortable in. I know the expectations are high in terms of what I have to publish but no one tells me what to publish or what subjects I get to work on, so if I want to bitch at length about white supremacy in America, as long as it’s well done and researched I can. That’s very powerful.
I’ve also gained more flexibility in my teaching. I really get to shape these business ethics classes into something valuable that’s not tied to the bar. I get to teach philosophy. I get to have all kinds of interesting discussions. It’s like I get to teach Elder Law three times a year now and none of the doctrinal classes. That is so special. I think I’m at a point again where the sky is the limit. I get to see where my research takes me. When COVID is over I get to travel quite a bit and teach students in many places. As I gain experience I’ll get to speak on really important ethical issues in business. That’s so powerful and in some sense I get to have more of a voice than in tax.
So yes, I do want to do this. That doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious and that I still don’t fear failure, fear success, and have tons of resistance. But this is really the first time I’ve felt like I had a career. My other law jobs were law jobs. This is actually building. I’m actually growing. I’m greying into the real me. This is the one I see myself retiring from. That’s what I’ve always wanted.
