Killing Me Softly
At this point I just like to come up with images of how terrified my writing bootcamp mentor makes me. This week I’m balled up in a corner rocking back and forth crying because I know this is the week where what I had left of my comfortable façade will have to fall away. RIP Goldburn whom I knew until now.
Now I remember that this is also the part I hate about Buddhism. It never satisfies itself with making you a little better: it constantly forces you to dig deeper. I plan to do it, but I’m also going to acknowledge just how uncomfortable, cringe worthy, and anxiety inducing it is (that’s Buddhist too).
I should have probably waited until next week to write this piece. I would have a lot more wisdom, I would sound more together, and I could talk about the lessons more coherently. However, what I have found is that my most vulnerable moments are my most human ones. This will be more helpful to readers than giving a cleaned up, wise version next week. I can already tell you: the way I spend my time DOES NOT align with my priorities or how I should be spending my time. I’m about to find out just how big the gap is by close of business Friday.
So what is this huge, terrifying assignment that made me run to my keyboard to write this? We have to track our time in 15-minute increments for a week. To some of you that’s quite simple.
My reaction: “HELL NO! Thanks for the lovely gift, but I’m not interested at all. Return to sender.” Why do people love to look in the mirror so much? A part of my life is built on ignorant bliss and avoiding unflattering mirrors. Some people decide to be ignorant on matters of suffering, racism, etc. which is unfortunate. I choose to be ignorant about some parts of myself. I have never counted calories. All of you folks who count your steps? Better you than me. I turned off that screen time feature on my phone because I felt attacked. I don’t need to know all of those fine details about myself. One of the worst things I’ve ever heard of since traffic cameras: employers like Amazon who track your time at work — stop it! Procrastination, distractions, and dilly dallying are human rights (not really but you get my point).
And yet here I am. I signed up for this shit so I just have to suck it up. Our writing mentor showed us the two pie charts below and I felt like she found my letters and read each one out loud.
This is really the crux of the matter. There’s a huge disconnect between how we’re evaluated/ what our expectations are for ourself, and what we actually do from day to day. I happen to work at a research university. Everyone talks nice about teaching and service, but I have to publish! Publish or perish is not a myth. I will get all kinds of passes, empathy, and understanding if I have problems with the other two as long as I’m publishing.
If you think I’m kidding note that we have three kinds of professors at our school: 1) those who teach; 2) those who teach and engage in service; and 3) those who teach, engage in service, and publish. The latter are paid the most by far and the research university values their publications more than everything else. That’s what they write press releases about. Grants and publications in fancy journals are where it’s at. In this status obsessed world, every research university wants to be have super stars publishing all of the time.
But I am one of countless minorities who have spent a disproportionate amount of time on teaching and service. Personally some of this comes from avoidance. I’ve already told you about how scary writing is for me. I tend to work on other parts of my job first because they’re more comfortable/less difficult and there is a structure/human beings who expect things weekly.
There are other, structural reasons, why writing get de-prioritized. Students disproportionately assess their minority professors worse, so we end up spending more time trying to please students and find ways be seen as non-aggressive, competent, etc. Minorities are also asked to participate in a lot more service activities. There’s a double-edged sword wherein your voice is deemed to be important but then your voice is overused and sometimes commodified for the purposes of putting a good face on things. It’s all very exhausting and takes away even more energy from writing.
This week I’m being forced to look at all of my wrinkles and imperfections. I started this process last week by taking a hard look at my tenure and promotion expectations and considering a better publication strategy. I’m already planning a meeting with my mentor, as I need to get a better picture of how we are actually evaluated behind closed doors. Schools will talk about teaching, service, and writing being equal but they rarely are, especially at a research university.
The hopeful part of all of this is that I’m no longer at an institution that talks out of both sides of its mouth. All of this introspection is fine because my school is actually committed to giving me the time to work on my research. I don’t have to serve on any university committees during my first few years, and my chair has been extremely accommodating with my teaching schedule.
Writing this has prepared me for what’s about to come this week. Pray for me!
Here are Part 1 and Part 2 of this series. Feel free to share your thoughts.
