For Those of Us Who Struggle with Writing
All of you folks who publish endlessly are freaks as far as I’m concerned. Wherever you purchased your writing morale mirror please share your secret. Confidence in my academic writing is very fleeting.
I know that some folks probably thought that because I did a writing bootcamp and wrote several pieces about my writing anxiety that I was cured and that I had moved on. That’s a lie! Much like any other addiction or problem that we struggle with my writing anxiety is here to stay.
At my lowest points I do not want to write at all. Even social media feels extra. I have periods where I legit get tired of hearing myself and feel like everything I have said is a rethread or a less eloquent version of something someone more skilled already said.
It’s not as if I’m a person who lacks self-esteem. I know that I can construct sentences and share thoughts in an efficient manner. I’m also sure that I can explain complicated things in a compelling way. And yet? Whatever fight or flight part of my brain that was gifted to me by a millennia of ancestors is very strong. And because I’m fighting my own brain, it’s just as smart as I am. My body is trying to protect me by telling me to avoid writing. It’s an endless struggle.
I have had many ideas. I had papers that I thought were inspired. And yet I did not push them across the finish line for many reasons. Perfectionism, I thought someone said it better, they were not long enough, I would come back to them, etc. As an adult I find it a lot easier to understand authors who never came out with that second book, or musicians who had hundreds of songs recorded but refused to release the albums. You focus so much on what you think something should look like or sound like that you never finish it.
Note that this perfectionism is not necessarily the neat and meticulous kind. I’m notorious for typos and I have never been super neat. Rather it comes from this vague sense of knowing what something should look like and not feeling like your work is quite there. I compare it to my refusal to speak Spanish. I spoke Spanish perfectly as a child but now I absolutely avoid using it because I know in the back of my mind that my accent is not quite right.
This is ultimately debilitating. I for example would be able to communicate a lot more with my Spanish speaking nephews and nieces if I practiced my Spanish. But my refusal to try means that it never improves. That’s the case with my writing as well. I have foregone many opportunities. Yes, people have wanted me to publish things. People have asked me to write for prestigious publications and somehow I found a way to psych myself out of finishing said pieces.
Lack of productivity as laziness is easy for us to grasp, but lack of productivity because of some psychological struggle is unsatisfying. We want to tell the person to get over themselves and just do it. I still have not figured out what to do when I’m in the depths of a writing funk. To date I’ve just had to wait for the worst to pass and then get back into writing slowly.
The fact that I am writing this is a good sign. At my worst I stay silent. The focus now has to be on not feeling guilty about the lost time, as getting caught in that headspace can lead me into another funk. Slowly but surely I’m getting excited about sharing ideas again. I’m working on several exciting projects. I get to work on more co-authored papers now so that helps cure some of the writing loneliness. Having a partner also makes writing less about myself. While I’m fine foregoing an opportunity for myself I do not like letting others down.
Writing will never come easy to me. I have accepted that and will continue to try.
